Are You Certain?

Are You Certain?

I can’t find God in a city of a thousand churches 
A man once told me swing a dead cat in any direction and you’ll hit one
Yet for all of the searching I have done, I have discovered one thing
Church is not a building, it is not a group of like-minded people
Church is something you carry around with you
It’s a fanny pack hidden with trinkets, gems, and trash 
In which I have been collecting bits and pieces of information 
Gathered over 30 years of tripping over my own feet
To find answers to questions...
Questions that are never satisfied or sated by the words of anyone I meet
I pray every night, but sometimes I feel like my church is just me
My assembly: my dog, bed, and dresser
My choir: a rusty broken stereo pumping “hipster” music
I find myself in this chapel…this tiny city apartment, and I think…
Wow…am I the only one on this planet who truly speaks to God.
Because whenever I hear pastors preach I swear they don't
I feel like every steeple and bell is vying for my attention
But in this city of division…of quick drive-by salvation 
I find nothing but endless tracks littering the streets proclaiming various versions of the truth
Who’s truth is it…I wonder
Everyone has their own belief of what they think is true and false
We all live in tiny encapsulated worlds, our entire being wholly separated
From the other worlds that lurk inside the skulls of all the other people passing by
There’s a world inside of this skull that’s not so sure of what is real
Tell me please somebody tell me the truth…
I thought I was saved…and even now I know that I am, but what of these rules
Law now made into absolution…now one law to follow:
Believe in the resurrection…
Sure! Yes I do!
But then why do you cut me down when I laugh at a joke, watch a certain TV show, listen to a certain band, look at certain websites, smoke certain cigarettes, say certain “bad” words, think certain “bad“ thoughts…
Certainly we all have done these things? 
Right?
Come on now are you sure…are you certain?
Of course we have…we all have…so why am I righteous because I believe the son of man is the son of God…?
Why does that make me better than you Mr. Atheist? Mr. Muslim? Mr. Jew?
Well, in the world inside this skull…it doesn’t!
I am forgiven…this I believe…I am saved…this I too believe. 
So why does it make me so incredibly angry when I hear the preacher scream…

“Sinner!”

Tired of all this us vs. them…our God vs. their God…us vs. the world…
How can we be against the world, if we are of the world, and how can we be against what God created. 
How can we be against ourselves?
How can God love us, yet we defile, reject, torment, hate, and vilify ourselves?
This to me is not truth!
God is love…God loves us…but why must we not love ourselves?
We hate ourselves, we fear others but in the end all I’m left with are…more…questions. 
My brain is fried, I can’t even get into the fact that everyone who is hearing this is probably pissed off at this point
But the truth is I don’t give half a donkey scrotum…
In fact I don’t give the whole scrotum.
(Oops…can’t say scrotum now…it’s a bad word)
I guess in the end I am left as dumbfounded as anyone else…we seem to be so sure of ourselves
I want to be closer to God…I’m just afraid to buy a pair of Nikes and drink the Kool-Aid
And is that so unreasonable? 

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012