Mr. Faux Pas

 Mr. Faux Pas

Mr. faux pas needs no introduction, because he introduces himself at the flip of a coin

There’s no chance for an awkward silence cause his motor mouth never stops.

Conversation pocketed with landmines, embarrassing moments ensue

Your most fair minded sensibilities are under attack when he opens his mouth and let’s loose on this unsuspecting world.

He’s got adhd and even he knows he should be taking his meds

He’s the social equivalent of a bull in a China shop

He wears military gear to tea parties; chagrin is served as hors d'oeuvres

Showers are optional; his mannerisms are optimal for causing women to faint.

The only game he’s got is chutes and ladders

Sparse facial hair offending, he’s almost never suspending disbelief

Of all the endless bullshit flowing from his erroneous mouth

He’s a genetic disaster…the result of millions of years of reverse evolution

You can do a swan dive off the slope of his forehead

He loves three things in this world: fast cars, fast guns, and fat women.

Decadence to him is a butchered hair cut, a mason jar of moonshine, and a slab of beef

By all accounts he was raised by a wild herd of rabid goats in North Carolina

He beams with southern pride and dismantles any Yankees who scoff at his heritage.

He’s got a PHD in bullshit-ology and a master’s degree in kickin ass

Despite his flaws and limitations he’s still my friend

I got his back, for you see he’s a simple man with a simple plan

To take on all comers, in an endless bout he is the champion

Insecurities are a mystery to him as he blunders off into the unknown

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Monsters

Monsters

I wonder if the sock monster who lives inside the clothes dryer ever feels lonely

The chaos he spreads every time he steals one of my socks
Travels farther than you could possibly ever know

And when I come home from the laundromat, a simple shrug of protest is never enough

To appease his desire…to feel the need to gain an ounce of attention


I wonder if we left all these monsters behind when we left the playground

But sometimes I fear these monsters follow us into adulthood
It takes a special kind of mind to be aware of them...and special eyes


I wonder why the monster under my bed wants to bite off my toes

Perhaps he has some freaky foot fetish, or an appetite for toe fungus

Either way I don't much appreciate his brutish behavior when I'm trying to pray at night

Maybe he was weaned off his mother’s monster milk too soon

And now he feels the need to terrorize poor unfortunate kids whose feet dwindle too long over the edge of the bed

This too was a monster I thought I left behind long ago...

But now he unsettles my sleep and in the dark night I tremble


What of the tiny monsters living in tree trunk holes?

The ones I use to search for to befriend me in my loneliest hour

They hide their wrinkly faces and work in their crowded dens

Perhaps they’re really getting drunk and having crazy monster orgies underground

Either way it makes me feel like I'm the only single guy at a make out party

And because of that I have long ago ended my search for these kinds


Perhaps all these monsters follow me into my dreams

But lately I've been seeing their slinking sly grinning eyes on the face of everyone I meet

Maybe it's time I put the pacifier down, curl in my bed, and just fucking sleep

Cause right now I'd rather be a baby cradled in the arms of the monster who raised me

Than to ever face that monster who lives on the other side of the mirror

The one with beady eyes, double chin, thinning hair, and three day old stubble

Is that really my own reflection or is it a doppelganger that has stolen my identity

Shoved it deep down inside a dark hole somewhere in the back of my head where the real me is screaming

Screaming to escape the monster that has imprisoned me...

One of these days I’ll be free…

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Adam's Smores Brownies

Adam's Smores Brownies

1 cup melted butter

3 cups granulated sugar

1 tbsp vanilla extract

4 eggs

1 1/2 cups flour

1 cup unsweetened cocoa powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 tsp baking soda

Topping:

16 oz mini marshmallows 

1 cup chocolate fudge topping

5 graham crackers

3/4 cup butter

Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Spray 9x13 cake pan with pan spray. Melt butter in microwave. Blend butter, sugar, and vanilla in bowl with mixer until soft and creamy. Beat in the eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each, until thoroughly blended. Sift flour, cocoa powder, salt, and baking soda into wet mixture. Mix on low speed until dry ingredients are fully incorporated. (DO NOT OVER-MIX! - batter will be lumpy). Pour batter into pan, and bake at 350 degrees for 35-40 minutes.

Topping: In a pan, melt butter on low heat, then gradually add marshmallows, stir constantly until marshmallow/butter mixture is fully melted and free of lumps. 

Break apart graham crackers and place in food processor, process until finely grounded.

(To check when brownies are done - insert a tooth pick into the center mass of the brownies, if the toothpick comes out clean, the brownies are done.) 

Once brownies are cooled, pour melted marshmallow mixture over brownies, and gently spread marshmallow mixture over the surface of the brownies, until evenly coated. 

Place jar of fudge topping in microwave and heat for 30-45 seconds. Then with a fork, splatter chocolate fudge in even swoops back and forth over the marshmallow topped brownies, causing streamers of fudge. 

Sprinkle graham cracker crumbs over brownies. Cut into 20 even slices and enjoy!

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Weekend Revolution

Weekend Revolution

Feeling apathetic and angry at the state of our country and its non-existent health care

Which is like crawling through barb wire and glass just to reach a teaspoon of salve to mend the cuts it produces.

Sick of a world of inequality and injustice...sick to my stomach, so pardon me if my vomit lands on your shoes.

Look at me Mom; I'm off to save the world...

The fatigue is deep and the burden is heavy for my fellow sufferers' 

We lock arms and march together through these streets that are supposed to be our own,

Paid for by the tears and sweat from our own brows.

We’re raised to believe that we can achieve the American dream, so we venture off into a scholastic monarchy

That teaches us about injustices of the past...aka History,

But ignores the injustices of the here and now...aka, economy

So let’s just bow our heads and pray that one day a man in a three piece suit

Will come riding out of the skies on a fiery horse to save the dying planet.

Hello Mr. President, sorry for breathing too close, was I invading your comfort zone?

How about for a moment you hear my speech and I’ll teach you a thing or two about cutting.

Cut my benefits, and I’ll slash your tires, cut my services, and I’ll slash your throat.

There are children starving, so back off Mr. Swift, I got a new modest proposal...let’s eat the rich.

It’s my fault I can’t pay off these student loans, so I guess I can’t whine or bitch

It’s my fault I was hospitalized and diagnosed with the human condition, and then they say stand on your own two feet.

But how the fuck can you when you don't have any feet to stand on?

I mean who needs pills, when Glen Beck is so much better therapy

Especially when you’re a gutsy, confused twenty year old who has never suffered a day in his life

So I’ll have a scoop of some of that good old fashioned American propaganda…with sprinkles please.

But no the inner me wants to break shit and scream in the moonlit night Anarchy! Anarchy! Anarchy!

Please let me subdue my irrational tongue, didn’t mean to offend…didn’t know you were a fan of country.

Manufacture a southern accent, slap a fiddle on the track, throw a tractor in for good measure and call it art.

No fuck that, I want the true humanity, in all its puss filled glory

Give me something real, something I can feel…something I can dance to during this weekend revolution.

Brothers and sisters raise your signs high and in one earth shattering voice we cry:

We are the 99! We are the 99!

And we’re gonna occupy this land until the snow falls and frostbite rots out our pressed lips

One last thing to the head shakers and finger crossers…I’m poor, disabled, and pissed

So line up these coffins boys, and dig a ditch for the one percent.

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Creeping Eyes

Creeping Eyes

The curve of her spine accentuates her mounds that protrude
To my own delight do her parts exist…yet she is not mine

The lashes that flap open to pure crystalline blue
What lies behind are as deep and endless as the ocean depths
I could dive into her eyes and swim in there completely filled with bliss

Her hips that rock back and forth as she walks brings me to my knees
I’d love to grasp them while rocking her gently, but sadly they are not mine

Her skin, creamy as milk, soft as velvet, and smooth no doubt
Makes my saliva glands go into overdrive as I imagine the taste of her on my tongue

I must fight back against the aggressor in my mind that wants to pounce
Those parts that make up the whole of her I cannot posses…she is not mine

Her silky hair, her supple breasts, her curves, she does it so well
She wears her body like a dress…I wish to consume it like a lion does an elk

But I look in a mirror, and my body reminds me that…she will never be mine.

Of into a corner I creep and hide
The creeper creeping…madness swimming behind my eyes
Makes me wish I had the strength to wrench them from my skull
So I will never have to look again at what will never be mine

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Adam's Baba Ganoush

Adam's Baba Ganoush

2 large eggplants
1/2 cup sesame tahini
2 tbsp chopped garlic
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup extra virgin olive oil
2 tbsp fresh chopped parsley
1 tsp ground cumin
1/2 tsp salt
1/2 tsp black pepper

Place whole eggplants directly on the flames of a charcoal grill, or directly on a gas stove burners. Char eggplants until blackened and soft. Let eggplants cool in ice water. Remove outer charred skin of eggplants. Chop eggplant flesh and place in food processor. Add sesame tahini, garlic, lemon juice, cumin, salt, and pepper. Pulse ingredients, while slowly adding the olive oil through the food processor spout. Pulse ingredients for 7-10 minutes. Mix in chopped parsley. Serve with warm pita bread, or pita/tortilla chips. Great with lamb dishes.  

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Album Review: MGMT - "Congratulations"

MGMT - Congratulations

I recently checked this album out at the library. I really love MGMT's first album Oracular Spectacular and its very poppy catchy tunes, but this album is very different from OA. I think that in many ways this album can be seen as the 2000's version of The Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd. The album takes you on a trip from the dark areas of pop, to the melodramatic aesthetics of dark wave-synth music. There is certainly nothing catchy about this album...rather it's can be seen as a journey...a listening experience into the psyche of the modern world. The thing about this album is that the music is so hard to pigeon-hole, there are no labels for it...it's just weird-ass music, and that's what I love about it. The video for their single Congratulations is evidence of the strangeness of MGMT's music with the bizzare creature falling apart in the sand dunes...it's almost reminiscent of David Lynch's film Eraserhead, the way that the creature moves much like the strange baby creature in the film moves. At any rate I suggest picking up this album if your into eclectic music...I give it 4 Stars. 

My Eyes

My Eyes

I've jumped through the glass window of a hospital
I've fallen through the gaps of Medicaid
And landed in America's safety net,
But I still hit the ground.
I've been picked up bruised and broken
And my pieces have been glued back together
By a simple humanistic approach
A concept that is becoming alien to all of us
In a word...community was my salvation
My friends I have long searched for this thing called recovery
And deep within my soul I do believe
That we are all capable of it.
We as human beings have this much in common
We all have intrinsic worth and value by our own birthright 
Look into the eyes of an infant and what will you see?
The same eyes in the mirror in front of you?
The same eyes that are staring back at me?
Or perhaps your perception is skewed
Perhaps I'm really disfigured, dirty, and ugly
Is this not also the same face of humanity?
And if we turn away from this face...
Do we not also turn away from our own humility?
And tell me this, O' gaper of bizarre freaks and wonders
Does this fact alone make you squirm and squeal in your seat?
Knowing that the thoughts behind these eyes could topple armies?
Here's my dilemma...and for you a new approach...
What if I had cerebral palsy?
Would that change your opinion of me?
Would your crestfallen words rain down in pity?
If you saw my illness splattered across my body?
Well here's an eye opener for you...
My eyes hide a world of symptoms
That are as catastrophic as an amputated limb.
So please, before you apologize after assuming the worst of me
Consider this...
Would you not have known that without my fantastic gift
Of having the finest wit to write this amazing poetry, 
That I had a mental illness?
Look into my eyes and tell me I'm not sick...
And I'll respond with this...
To wit your ignorance deserves no sympathy. 

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Adam's Roasted Leg of Lamb

Adam's Roasted Leg of Lamb

1 6lb leg of lamb (bone in for flavor)
1 cup plain Greek yogurt
1/3 cup Dijon mustard
1/4 cup honey
2 tbsp chopped garlic
2 tbsp fresh chopped rosemary 
2 tbsp fresh chopped parsley 
1 lemon
1 tbsp lemon zest
1 tsp salt
1 tsp cracked black pepper

Trim any excess fat off lamb leg. combine yogurt, Dijon mustard, honey, garlic, rosemary, parsley, salt, pepper, juice and zest from the lemon and stir till well combined. Coat lamb leg with marinade, cover, and refrigerate for 3 hours. Place in roasting pan, and cover loosely with foil. Roast in oven at 400 degrees for 20 minutes, drop temperature to 325 degrees for 30 minutes.

Carve meat off leg and serve with warm pita bread slices, sliced tomatoes, cucumbers, red onion, and Adam's homemade baba ganoush - (coming soon!  :D  )

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Set This House On Fire

Set This House on Fire

I live by standards that go beyond the constitution
My friends…you must understand
That I am simply but a man
Who cannot understand the demands of his government
When Grandmothers are being maced in the face
When veterans are being beaten with batons
Maybe that’s a signal that it’s time for all of us
To march through the streets of this Hades land
And take back what was stolen from us by our overseers
I don’t understand much, but this I can tell you…
When I see lights flashing and sirens blaring
I am afraid…
Why should this fear of another man take dominion over my serenity
Why must those who serve and protect demonstrate hostility
Towards those who are the true servants of peace
We need these signs to announce our presence
Not to offend and drive away the ignorant among us
But, to educate, inform, and enlighten
Not divide, spread hate, and nourish strife to this gluttonous nation
Let the least among us have the bullhorn, because from my vantage point
There’s too many chiefs, and not enough Indians
And what shame it is that the world we are trying to build for our kids
Resembles the world that has infected our livelihoods
In our age the free press has become noise pollution
Free to say anything, and I am an adherent believer…
…that in this climate, a lie can run around the globe
Before the truth has even gotten it’s boots on.
What evening lies have you heard my Father?
What words of hate have you heard my Mother?
Where is your billfold now that your body is turning against you?
Where are the coins when your house is taken from you?
Where is your heart at, and what does your conscience say
When you pass a dirty man lying in the street on a grey snowy day
I see a million signs raised high…
I see a million fists raised to the sky…
I see suits and ties burning in the after light…
Of the fires set to burn this house down.

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012

Adam's Caramelized Glazed Carrots

Adam's Caramelized Glazed Carrots

1 Bag frozen Carrots

1 cup Brown sugar

1/2 cup dark corn syrup

1 stick butter

1/4 cup milk

2 tbsp corn starch

1 tbsp Cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground cayenne pepper

1-2 tbsp dried parsley

1/2 teaspoon salt

Boil frozen Carrots in salted water until tender, set aside. In a skillet melt butter, then add brown sugar and corn syrup. Stir constantly on medium heat until boiling. Boil until taste/texture of brown sugar is no longer grainy. Add cinnamon, cayenne pepper, and salt. Mix cornstarch and milk in a separate container until dissolved. Add cornstarch slurry, stir until blended, then quickly add carrots. Stir until carrots are well coated, then add parsley. (If the glaze is too thin, add more cornstarch slurry). Serve and enjoy!

Copyright Adam Gaile 2012